CEP Reflection essay

In order to reflect on the past two years of CEP I need to reflect on the last decade of my life. When I entered college for the first time at 18 I originally was studying mechanical engineering. I had this expectation in my head that I was supposed to be an engineer. I would excel in school and in life because of it. I would prove to everyone that I was indeed smart. That I was capable. See, for most of my K-12 education I struggled academically, socially and emotionally. During this time I convinced myself that college was where I was supposed to be. I would magically become my best self once I got there. That was…half true. I failed. Big time. I hit rock bottom and I learned so much that year because of it.

The next five years were the most difficult time in my life. I got my sh*t together to say the least. However, I lost myself, questioned myself, doubted myself, hated myself and became steadfast in myself. I would not say I “rose above the ashes” rather I learned to swim in it. I learned more about myself and what I am capable of. I found a direction to swim towards, but I wasn’t sure if it would lead me to land. This is all a metaphor to say I got an associates degree in architecture and computer drafting and enjoyed it. It opened the door for me to become independent of my circumstances and start paving my path. 

From there I became a professional computer drafter. It was not something I wanted to make a career out of, but it was better than my other options and it was my choice to make. For most of my career I really thought “this is it, this is my life forever and always” and I accepted it…until I didn’t. I always wanted to go back to school but thought of it as a pipe dream. It would never happen. However, in 2019 I was feeling spicy and rebellious and applied to UW’s architecture program unknowing to how competitive and selective it was. Of course, I got denied. Though I was referred to, you guessed it: Community, Environment and Planning. It intrigued me. It excited me. I decided to apply the following year in 2020. 

Yeah, that didn’t happen. Thanks COVID-19. Genuinely though I’m glad I didn’t apply that year. 2020 was rough for everyone and lit a fire under my butt. It made me earnest, hungry to change my life and go back to school. I got closer to finally finding some land so that I could stop swimming in the ashes. 

In 2021 I applied to CEP and got in. Let me tell you how satisfying it is to quit your job of 5 years: it’s fantastic. I highly recommend it. Originally when I entered CEP my focus was transportation planning. I was so passionate about it and was ready to make my life all about it. Boy did that change. After my first quarter at UW I quickly realized my passion for community. I realized how devoid it was in my life. The more I learned about it the more confident and self-assured I became. I don’t think I fully realized it until a few months ago. Through exploring classes in and out of CEP I learned all the facets to community development, planning and outreach and saw myself becoming drawn to issues of policy and accessibility. 

While in CEP I also engaged in the Outreach and Admissions committee eventually becoming a co-point. This may have been the most pivotal and frustrating part of my time in CEP. It opened my eyes to issues I was unaware of, the issues within CEP and CBE and how I play a part in it. I honestly poured my heart into that committee because I felt so deeply about what we were doing. I kind of regret it. The only person to have recognized and verbalized ANY of my efforts was Megan Herzog. I don’t need to be praised all the time, but f*ck I hauled ass and went above and beyond for that committee. I stepped up when others would not. I conducted over 30% of interviews and applications for CEP in the 2022 cycle and nobody saw. That is how I have felt for most of my time in CEP: invisible. I haul ass, step up, go the extra mile all for my efforts to be ignored or for others to receive praise for my work. I cared, and still do, so much about the work I was doing. I think I’ve learned and grown because of it. But I am not going to pretend to be okay with someone else getting the credit time and time again.

Also, during my time in CEP I engaged in the Unite UW program and the Unite UW Student Association. This became my community. I made so many friends and made deep connections. This became my haven outside of CEP. Here I felt I was actually engaging in community. If you don’t know, Unite UW is a program that brings domestic and international students together to learn about other cultures and increase cultural competency. It is also a very intentional way to make friends, meeting multiple times a week and engaging in fun activities and difficult conversations. Eventually I became Director of Community Outreach for the Unite UW Student Association. Being a part of this program and RSO while in CEP enriched my time here and grounded me when I most needed it.

Don’t get me wrong, my time in CEP has been incredibly valuable despite my issues and drama that occurred. I have made incredible friendships, friendships I’ve never experienced before. While I do not consider CEP my community, the friends I have made here most certainly are. I also genuinely believe if it were not for this major I would not have gotten my degree. CEP provided me the space to thrive for the first time. CEP gave me land to swim towards. Only now, at my ripe age of 29 do I feel I have risen above the ashes of my life. I have never felt this steady and confident in myself and direction, in my capabilities and accomplishments. I have also never felt this steady and confident if things change, in the unknown. One of the biggest life lessons I have learned is that things can change instantly, and that's okay. It’s okay to fall back into the ashes because now I know how to swim and I know where land is. CEP gave that to me.

Yes, there are things I regret during my time in CEP. There are things I think about that I might have done differently. However, I am okay with regret. I don’t think it means I failed. It means I learned my lesson. It means I’m capable of making better choices in the future. It means I’m still growing. I would not change a thing about my time in CEP. Every decision, experience and regret got me here today, made me who I am … and I really like who I am right here right now. 

Through CEP I found land. I found myself truly and honestly. Most importantly, I proved to myself that I am smart and capable.